Joi has complete power over me
I saw Joi’s car through the window out of the corner of my eye . I panicked and burst out of the patio door, vaulting the railing and sprinting after her car. In a deep painful yell I screamed out her name. “JOOOII!!!” I was so cracked-out on adrenaline I almost caught her car at the light. She saw me in her rear view, burned out in her emerald mustang, and was gone…
Joi was supposed to drop some stuff off at my house and we were supposed to talk about things. She had decided to go back with her ex and I was more crushed than if my neighbor poisoned my cat.
I had really blown it with Joi. I had fallen too hard for her. Called her too often. Was the first say “I love you” and would say it without needing to hear it reciprocated. I was whipped and in a panic to keep her affections I blew everything. It was one of the strongest lessons I have ever received on power balance.
Revenge on an bully
When I was 18 years old I was accepted to commercial dive school. I loved the ocean and dove nearly 3 days a week. I thought it would be wonderful to make my hobby my job. It sounded so amazing to be working underwater! and for a while it was pretty amazing. I became a very accomplished welder and to take this application underwater was one of the manliest/coolest jobs I could think of. Only one problem, I was not very manly.
I was probably the best welder/diver in my class of 50 guys but that wasn’t the problem. The issue was that I couldn’t get along with all the ex-military in my class. I really didn’t understand these guys and they would push me around like a chihuahua among pitbulls. I was fresh from Iowa, just out of high school and intimidated as hell by them. One ex-marine would needle me at any opportunity, determined to get a rise out of me. I had no idea what to do, so I did what any confused kid would. I pulled into my shell and let it happen.
Then it happened… I was at a mutual friend’s house and Kelly (the Marine) showed up. He was drunk, sporting a stained wife beater and cameo cargo shorts. “Hey Woody!!” he yelled at me. (My nick name at the time, don’t ask) I cringed and turned away. “Hey Wooodroow!!! Talking to you!” He yelled, even though we were feet apart. I stiffened sensing him directly behind me, then he shoved me HARD in the back of the head. My body followed my head as I stumbled forward. Then just like my neck I snapped. I turned in a fury, ran at him and we went to the ground. We were well matched, he was bigger but he was drunk and I was crazed with anger. When friends pulled us apart he had a bloody lip and his eyes where blood shot with rage. Both of us were shaking with the adrenaline of a fight cut short. Someone yelled,“Kellly you’re drunk, go home!” He looked at me furious, kicked a lit BBQ to the ground and exited the back gate. Not only did Kelly leave me alone after that but he never looked my way again.
All relationships are based on power balance.
How are Joi and Kelly related? With Joi I gave too much power and I pushed her away from me. I was so crazy in love that I forced her away with my need.
Kelly? Easy… I didn’t stand up the first time he was aggressive towards me and he kept pushing the limits of weakness. People like Kelly I call ego vampires. They revel in stealing other people’s strength to bolster their own weakness.
I have said in many posts that all relationships hinge on power balance. Relationships with family members perhaps being the most often struggled with. This balance is crucial to happiness in any and all relationships. You must not let down your guard with this. Power is like currency and it must be protected at all costs.
Teeter-totter
Imagine two people standing at either end of a teeter-totter. If one of you moves it effect the others balance and vice versa. I ran towards Joi and her side of the teeter-totter hit the ground. With Kelly he rushed me and I didn’t rush him back. I hit the ground and lost all my power because I was too afraid to meet him in the middle. Later when it became physical I shook his desire to mess with the balance and he jumped off the teeter-totter to steal from someone else.
- Power balance is the most important language you can sense in relationships
- You must not be afraid to face down the person trying to steal your power
- If you rush him emotionally the balance will crash, your fault not his
- You don’t have to win to get balance you just need to be willing to stand up
Continue Anger and the demanding of power in relationships 2 of 5
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Very, very well done. This is the best post I’ve seen from you, yet, Mike. It pays to release some of your vulnerability.
I’m sorry she hurt you.
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Wow Mike this is powerful. The power of it lies in it’s absolute and universal truth on so many levels in life. This truth is not only applicable for young people fighting to establish their place in the “pecking order” of life but for people of all ages. This is for couples, friends and friends of any age, young and old family members; husbands and wives, mothers and children, all those who may be faced with establishing or re-establishing power balance at periodic times in their lives. The first step is seeing clearly and objectively what’s going on. This means letting go of your personal hurt which is clouding your objectivity, assessing the situation and then doing something about it immediately. Speaking up in a healthy non combative way and doing it right away is so absolutely necessary. This may mean having to prove your “worthiness” to establish yourself back into a healthy balanced relationship. If you don’t take care of this immediately, you virtually roll over and allow someone else to step into the vacancy you left. Someone will take your place. It becomes very difficult to re-establish the balance of power the longer you wait. It may even seem impossible but through love and persistence I believe this still can be accomplished.
Power balance is something we struggle with from age 2-99, no exceptions!! Learn to do this successfully when you are young and it will come automatically to you as you grow older. At a young age, establishing yourself as someone who deserves respect gives you confidence and you will always know how to deal with these power struggles when they arise throughout your life.
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Hi Mike! Totally agree with you on keeping the power balance in check in relationships! It’s why I’m wary of bosses dating their employees, professors dating their students, wealth differences, etc. It’s not that it can’t work… but one person can’t have the upper hand all the time.
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@tqween, really good point about letting go of your personal hurt before you can move forward also about someone taking your place. This is only post one of five don’t give too much away!
@Christine You are not supposed to date your professors or bosses?? Oops…
Totally agree though, equal must date equal wrote about that here in one of my favorite posts (bad title though)
@jillian Thanks! This is one of the foundational beliefs I have about dating. About Joi hurting me… got over that a lot faster than I thought I would and of course it was one of the best lessons I have ever received. I thank her for that.
Great post Mike. Very clear message. I am looking forward to seeing where you take it.
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Nice thoughtful post today! I can see why this is one of five–there’s a lot to work through in this idea. I like the teeter-totter analogy–balance has to be carefully maintained on a teeter totter. Another good analogy is a dance where at one moment you relinquish a measure of power and at another you have to accept more of it. When I used to dance, during a lift, at least to get it started, I was actually the one with more power, even though it *looked* like my partner did–he was the one who appeared to lift me up in the air after all! But if I didn’t provide control necessary to guide the impetus for the lift (through the energy of a leap or the force of a controlled turn), no lift happened. He might have been ready and willing to lift me, but he had no power to do so without me providing it. Of course, once I used that power, I had to back down or he’d drop me on my ass and fall down with (more likely ON!!) me–I had to cede power and control over the lift to him so that he could control my descent. Balance of power (whether between lovers, friends, coworkers, family members, or nations for that matter) is always dynamic–ebb and flow, step and counter step, or (from your previous post) fire and water. And more than anything, I think it requires trust.
@tqween–so true! Part of getting things balanced out is letting go of hurt and learning to stand up for yourself. Treat yourself with the respect you feel you deserve and you’ll find that others will fall in line–and those that don’t probably have their own power issues to deal with.
@Jillian–I agree. Mike’s being willing to share these tough moments adds depth to this point!
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Sorry Mike,
Don’t mean to write the posts for you.
mom
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I really love the dance analogy Sarah! That’s beautiful.
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Mom both you and Sarah need your own blogs you are both so good with words…
I am lucky to have such good writers visit me.
So cool how the comments lately are as valuable (or more) as the blog.
Thanks for such great insights.
I second Mom’s apologies. Sorry I get carried away–it’s just such a good conversation! I’ll keep you posted on blog progress (though I don’t know what on earth it will be about–I’m open to suggestions!)
In any case–this is a great post with lots to think about. It could be expanded in so many really productive ways. Balance takes a lifetime of work! And often requires the help of expensive therapy, so you’re helping people out on that front.
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No no!!! I love the long thoughtful comments, they help me write my next posts and create great discussion! I was just teasing my mom. Please don’t change a thing Sarah.
Okay okay! Keep your pants on!
Seriously though, sometimes it’s hard to “read” tone on-line so I misunderstood–sorry about that! Oops! I’ll go on being my same old lovable if wordy self. I miss face to face conversation with you though. When do we get to have coffee?????
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See? I said it! I said it before …
“The power in a relationship lies with whoever cares less.”
And while true, and while it sucks, the eternal optimist in me believes that one day, it won’t be about power; it will be about love.
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Well…
I agree and I disagree but I hopefully will explain what I mean as I go.
(and of course it is about love!!)
I was thinking some more about this topic last night (another sign of a good post when it keeps people thinking!). It focuses on not allowing yourself to GIVE away all your power (running to the other end of the see-saw) and not allowing some one to TAKE all your power (allowing the other person to run to your end of the see-saw), both of which focus on our own actions in a relationship. But in this, we have to recognize that there’s potential for stagnation–you recognize that you can’t give your power away so you stay on your end of the teeter-totter, but your partner doesn’t budge. So then there you are, stuck 20 feet apart, perfectly balanced, with a precarious and un-fulfilling void in the middle (another test for the futility of a relationship?). Looking at my best relationships (be they romantic, friendship, or professional), both people participate equally in the power balance. This sounds easy, but really, this is a pretty remarkable thing; a dynamic power balance between two people who only have control over *themselves.* The question is, what’s the magical force that moves both people toward the middle?
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