The top ten reasons why he is going to run screaming from the relationship
That kid is freakin terrified
10. Bad sex
Have you ever heard the expression you don’t know what you don’t know? I don’t think Sarah had any idea that her teeth were filleting my wiener and her hands were stress balling my family jewels into knots. My grunts were not from a state of pleasure. When I told her about it she got mad at me. “What do you mean it hurts? I am really good at this! What is your problem!?”
Unfortunately though, I have often put up with bad sex to be with someone I loved. It inevitably led to a break up, which was ultimately my problem… I didn’t tell her. I broke up with her instead of making my needs clear.
The easiest way to fix this is leave the door of communication open. You might feel a bit vulnerable at first but what works for Chuck makes Larry want to pee.
9. Jealousy
I used to make up lies about other women to Vicky, mainly because she wanted me to. She would work her self up in to a jealous lather and when she was at the peak she would attack me! Good fun but a little creepy.
Jealousy is so multifaceted and here is one strange facet! Most jealousy is a product of normal insecurity with a curious damaging side effect. It often leads to really good sex. Which is an EXCELLENT way to create more jealousy! Just feed it good sex! Want more good sex? Find a way to be jealous… Soon the two are linked like Rodney King and the LAPD. So why would this lead to him bailing? Because it creates bad energy and eventually you need to escape but the addiction is easily rooted. I had to use rat poison and small explosives to get out of a similar situation.
8. Love parasitism
Love parasitism tends to happen more often to young couples than to older ones. Younger couples are more susceptible because they don’t have a clear identity yet (but I have seen exceptions). Why does this lead to a break up? Because when the two of you snap out of your disgusting gooey love cocoon, you realize that you have no life! Friends have new friends now and even your dog feels slighted. Once he starts to miss his other life he often throws the baby out with the bathwater and you find yourself with a breakup TOTALLY out of the blue.
So even if it drives you mad you must create a separate life from him or her. It sucks at first but the short abstinence will be as pleasurable as a good dump.
7. You kick way too much ass
This happens when he thinks you are too good for him. Hard to identify but if it is there LOOK OUT! Girls and guys deal with this type of insecurity in very different ways. Guys tend to have verbal diarrhea and you will hear things like this “Well I am not the one with the business degree!” (add forced laugh) Or how about this, “why don’t you just go date another football player!” once again the stupid smile and fake laugh. Jeeze! Just because you dated a 7 foot 400lb linebacker with a penis like a donkey’s, what is his problem!??? Well, it is his problem but you didn’t have to tell him about the ex’s resemblance to farm animals. If he is too insecure he will find a reason to get out and blame it on you.
The best way to avoid this is be sensitive to the balance. Does he feel threatened? If so tell him he is a wussy and needs to step the hell up.
6. Unbalanced growth
I hate this one because it is the number two reason I struggle in relationships. When you meet someone you are typically at a similar stage in life. This means you are relatively congruent but this congruency does not often last. Imagine you are both saplings grown towards the sun. You, are aggressively growing towards the light! but he is stoned on the couch with a Costco bag of Doritos. When you first met you would have been holding the dip but now your life calls and he is in the way. Since we mirror the people we spend time with, the ones that do not lift up our values are often despised and disposed of. Equal and similar growth is necessary for all relationships (even friendships). IF NOT a break up in inevitable. (This was supposed to be why he was going to leave you but I thought it would be more fun to make him the loser)
This sucks but you may not be able to match his growth and you might just have to date a bigger tree.
5. You are no longer on love heroin
Have you ever met a born again Christian? I have been one once and let me tell you they are endearing and obnoxious to an extreme. They have a twinkle in their eyes of love and acceptance but expect a torrent of righteous disapproval towards your pirated music collection. Eventually this New religious zealot will calm down and either become a more reasonable christian or… wake up one day saying “what the hell was in that kool-aid!??” This is what often happens to relationships. However unlike the B.A.C.s (born again C) the person in love really did drink the kool-aid and is drugged to the gills. What, you say? Drugged? Yes!! You know it is true, when you have been madly in love you are not yourself; you are an obsessive crazy person that literally is drugged. The drug of choice is called Oxytocin, the same hormone that makes a new mother DEARLY love her bright red, meconium covered newborn infant. When you are in love Oxytocin is released by the brain in copious quantities but inevitably the production slows to a trickle. What now? Well like the B.A.C. you might start to question things. If the relationship is not built on firmer ground than “love” it is going to wash away, and you will be left single once again.
Solution?? Enjoy the ride but be aware that you are high, don’t get lead down the rabbit hole, stuck with your ass sticking out.
4. STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME!!
I would like to make this on number one just because it is personally so frustrating to me. Guys do this too but it is usually associated with the physical “if you were thinking about getting a boob job I will pay,” he says totally out of the blue. Women on the other hand pick a guy and see potential. It is almost as if he is a fixer upper. Yeah, the porch is a bit saggy and the outside could use some paint but by-golly! I think I’ll buy it! I have had this happen to me 100’s of times. My friend Bryce once went out with a professional tri-athlete. This incredibly fit woman tried her damnedest to get the trucker/cop like Bryce to become the next Lance Armstrong. Bryce dumped her quickly to the applause of his friends.
This is probably the single most irritating dating problem I can think of. Save yourself some trouble; pick the fricken car you want. Don’t buy a damn Yugo and add racing stripes to it.
3. You need prozac or you will go postal
Emotional people tend to draw people that will soak it up until they run screaming. Why does this dynamic exist? I break down personalities into two groups, fire (aggressive) and water (passive). Fire and fire is not a good combo, they generally create more fire and will eventually burn down the house. Water and water will be so dull they will soak into the floor. Overly emotional and depressed people generally have fire personalities and they look for a watery partner to balance their flames. Unfortunately water can only take so much fire until it boils, turns into steam and evaporates out of your life. No one can take a constant emotional pounding, NO ONE.
Solution? You must calm your flames down a bit or find someone strong enough to douse you with water before you get out of control.
2. You are his jailer
Every woman knows this one intimately. The guy that just can’t commit, the ones that will commit are generally spineless and not very desirable, the ones that won’t you really want to possess. We can all make stabs at why men are this way but it does not really matter, they are and you can’t easily change this. Focus instead on what you want, which is to get a guy to commit without scaring him away. Have you ever seen one of those cat traps? It is a cage with a door on one side and in the middle is food, when the cat touches the food the door slams shut and the cat goes BALLISTIC. Do you see where I am going with this? A man is terrified he will lose his ability to roam but at the same time that food looks awfully good!! Better just eat and run, he thinks!
The trick is getting a man to walk into your “trap” and make it his home. Unfortunately for women, the best way to do this is leave the door open but so many slam the door of commitment too soon and just like the cat he will bounce off the walls howling to escape.
1. You made him run by sabotaging it!
This is the number one reason he is going to run screaming from you. People sabotage for one reason, they don’t feel they deserve a good relationship or the person they are with. This is the most uncomfortable reason for someone to leave you and you will feel misplaced confused anger! This is SO hard to identify since you make it seem like they are the one with all of the problems. The truth of the matter is that you are subconsciously are creating an uncomfortable environment for your partner to be in because YOU want out. Part of why this is so insidious is that it absolves you of guilt! You put so much pressure on him that he takes drastic measures to escape! This just reinforces your desire to go gay but you will probably mess that up too.
The only way to escape this is to find the root of your non-deserving and yank it out like a rotten carrot.
Disclaimer: Many of these issue guys have problems with too…
Stop him from running and learn how to control the relationship from your phone!
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OMG, that kid’s face is PRICELESS. Love it.
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You were a B.A.C.?!?! I missed that phase of your life–I’m having a hard time reconciling this piece of your history my friend.
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#9 reminds me of the Scrubs episode where Amy Smart plays the woman who NEEDS drama in order to be happy in a relationship. It’s a need for the endorphin rush that emotional people require in order to get their rocks off, so to speak. If they don’t have it in a relationship they start to get bored and worried that there is something wrong so they either create drama or walk away. These people let their emotions run their lives and they are not content with a happy relationship.
#8 could use a definition of what love parasitism is.
I <3 #5.
Ooooh, we have a personality breaker-downer. Please, Mikey, analyze me! I do so get tired of analyzing others. Am I a fire or a water? Which are you? I’m subtly trying to discern if we can be friends or if I must friend parasite with someone else.
I like this post. There is much to think about here. More of this, please.
And, like Sarah, I want to hear more about you being a BAC and where you are now.
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@Sarah Yup I was back born again christian for a little while… Strange piece of my history.
@Jillian hmmm… let me think about expanding on that post. I was not sure how it would be received to be honest. forgot that it would come out on mom’s day!
I would be happy to expand on a lot of these topics but I need some other readers to ask as well.
also… you are very much fire, you would attract a more passive guy to balance you. I am water but you wouldn’t know it very quickly. Since everyone has both it is hard to see sometimes but usually you can guess what you are by the type of guy/girl you attract.
@Mike You just want the wominz beggin for it.
Why wouldn’t someone know you are passive? Do you think you an external fire exuder, because of what it presents and the stance it gives, but water under the surface? I can be antagonistic, but it’s usually a defense mechanism. It also can help me reach more information than passivity on a lot of levels. What are your thoughts on the observation that some have external exudings, but internal genuineness?
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Mike, count me in asking for you to expand on those topics….I like the fire and water analogy.
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I wrote a little more about fire and water here
This is still a developing concept but I seems to fit pretty well. I think I will expand on the jealousy on first
I have a question re:
“Every woman knows this one intimately. The guy that just can’t commit, ***the ones that will commit are generally spineless and not very desirable,*** the ones that won’t you really want to possess.”
Particularly the part between ***. Please clarify–are you saying that women think that a guy who will commit is spineless and undesirable, or do YOU think that a guy who commits is a wuss? Just curious b/c I actually think that it takes, balls, guts, hutzbah, cojones, and more courage than it takes to face a bear for a guy to hunker down and really truly commit (I gotta say that my husband was slow to commit before we married, but when he did he really did, and I found that extremely desirable–he’s a smart, handsome, talented guy and the envy of many women I’ve met!). So, is this your own ambivalence to commitment coming out here, or something else? I’m confused.
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PS Ambivalence about commitment isn’t a bad thing–no one should commit until they’re good and ready. That isn’t wussiness or capitulation, that’s just good judgment.
And I’d bet that you’re more “firey” than you let on, with your cool-as-a-cucumber self-presentation. If I had to hazard a bet (with the caveat that I haven’t spent any quality time with you in over 15 years), you’ll commit only when you find a partner who can keep pace with you stride-for-stride in a complementary way–she’ll challenge and engage you, she’ll give as good as she gets, she’ll make you laugh and will laugh with you, and she’ll probably sneak up on you when you’re least expect it.
That would be my guess…
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Hey sweetie!
the commitment part, It is hard to make thing clear in a quick synopsis like that. The point I was trying to make was that it is hard to find that balance, the guy that is moving the same speed as you and vice versa. The guy that commits quickly is often not your equal and the one that won’t commit is often not the guy for you. I don’t think this is a reflection of my own inadequacy in commitment! I think it is more that I didn’t expand well. The start of a good relations is like two people walking towards one another on a teeter tooter if they do not move at the same speed one side will crash to the ground. The problem is that many women are more interested in meeting in the middle and therefore throw off the balance and the guy runs.
am I fiery?? naw… not really. Not anymore. I have to fake it now a days. I like things very peaceful. However I do get very passionate over subjects that matter to me. (our talk about money/energy)
I would like to meet that person!
Thanks for clarifying–that makes more sense. And a clarification of my own here
I don’t think you’re “inadequate” re: commitment, but ambivalent–you’ve said yourself you aren’t ready for the long haul, but it’s a strength that you know that about yourself. That tells me you’re plenty adequate for commitment–you’re wise enough to admit “not yet”. And firey–yes you are, but as you say, we all have some of both. I think you have the slow, banked kind of fire (think white hot coals under cool ashes) that is calm rather than overwhelming and all-consuming. That’s the kind of fire that allows you to pursue your dreams, take risks, and accomplish your goals. And if flares up briefly if something important (like money/energy) lands on it).
And you’ll meet her someday–she’ll be your best friend (that’s how she’ll sneak up on you).
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I think I was making fun of myself with the inadequacy comment. I like the hot coal thing!!
So how is she going to sneak up on me as a friend? I always sleep with all of my friends…
Sleeping with her and recognizing her as the person who can keep up with you are two different things you dope! Trust me, it’s sneaky!
And Um, how’s that going with your guy friends? (sorry couldn’t resist)
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@Sarah That made me laugh so hard I cried.
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*giggle*
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ouch! you got me there…
Leaving on a 21 mile run! need to stay attractive for all my male “friends”
Wish me luck!
Good luck–don’t strain anything important! It’d be a shame to disappoint your “friends”
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*sigh* It seems like the good looking ones are always gay.
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Hmmm, I always thought it was the best looking ones that are always gay. Bah.
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Qt, funny story, most of the men (MOST) that I was attracted to in high school that did not return my affections turned out to be gay. Everyone else knew and no one clued me in. Oh, how I pined and could never figure out why I wasn’t good enough. Now I know and they are happy with their boyfriends/partners.
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Jillian, we must meet. Simply we must. It’s not REAL that we have so many freaking things in common!
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You know it, girl. We’ll make it happen. I generally have free time, I just have to schedule it around seeing clients and my doctoral program and familial obligations. We’ll figure out a time.
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Tells you something though. Men are so much more physically stimulated that gay men are far more driven to be attractive than strait men.
QTMama and Jillian glad such cool people met here!
Hey if anyone has the time say hi to my mom here or on facebook. She needs some love sent her way. She is having a really tough time lately. (join me on facebook and my mom’s name is Sandy)
RE: men who pay better attention to their appearances–Can I just say that I loved the “metrosexual” movement? Finally a moment when men could pay attention to their appearance and not have their masculinity threatened–it was refreshing to see such self confidence. And the resulting eye candy–oh boy oh boy!! (Well, at least here in Chicago–don’t know how it’s been out your way.)
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Not all men care about being attractive. And that’s all I’ll say about that.
Mike, we must be on the same wavelength. Right before I read your request, I just left Mama of Mike a comment. I was thinking about her last night before bed (not like that, sicko) and didn’t get a chance to comment to her then. I was wondering how she’s taken to that new little one. I’m excited for her.
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I can relate to #6. Too bad age doesn’t necessarily correlate with maturity and growth either.
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Absolutely true. I imagined that I would grow up eventually but I am still an immature boy!