Grrrr…
I read He is just not that into you when it first came out. My initial reaction after the first few chapters was. Okay, yeah that’s not too bad but I kept waiting for solutions to problems but they never came. The next chapter had another pathetic story, with the author arrogantly ripping into the sad girl. After a few paragraphs of beratement and general cynicism the author ends with DRUM ROLL!! “He’s just not that into you,” I kept thinking that there has got to be more substance to this book! But one more bad story with the same message “he’s just not that into you…” I felt my frustration rise like I did with the book Skinny Bitch (decent book but why swear for swearing sake??). I would have thrown it across the room if it wasn’t in audio and I didn’t want to break my iPhone. (granted there is nothing wrong with one message, as long as it is profound. Power of Now was an amazing book and the concept is so difficult that it needed repeating)
It is part of slang now! no!!!
I was talking to a female friend of mine about a guy. She was very frustrated with him. Sometimes she would call and he would be really sweet but he would never take the initiative to contact her. She was really bummed and came to me. “Mike WTF, why do I cater to this guy? Why am I always the one to initiate? I feel like such a boob.” I gave her one of those empathetic, it’s your fault smiles. Than she said the most un-empowering comment. “Maybe he is just not into me?” I bared my teeth and felt the hair on the back of my neck lift in irritation. I responded much more harshly than I meant to. “OF COURSE HE IS NOT!! It is because you totally screwed it up!!” She recoiled a bit as I projected my frustration. “Sorry, sorry… That book bugs me, it absolves people of any responsibility for their actions!”
The three Mikeateers
I answered the phone cautiously since I didn’t recognize the number. A guy on the other end said, “Is this Mike?” I answered, “Yeah, who is this?” he said “this is Mike too (sucks having the most popular guy name in the US) are you dating a girl named Barbara?” I felt something bad brewing “Uh huh, what’s it to you?” He said,“I just thought you should know that I am dating her too, not only that but I think there is a third guy and believe it or not, his name is Mike.” I let the phone sit for a while as my stomach dropped and my head was hit with a slushy like brain freeze.
I had a strange feeling about Barbara for a while but I was so into her that I just ignored it. I was needy and probably would have emotionally benefited from the message in He’s just not that into you. Fortunately I didn’t have that book around and I learned how never to repeat this.
At the time lessons like this really hurt but now they are very valuable. Was she just not into me? No, she was into me and two other Mike’s. I certainly felt like she was not into me and because of my need I was drawn to become a member of her harem.
Why are you responsible
YES this is a good message for a girl/guy who is overly needy, chasing someone that is not reciprocating. The message might help them move on BUT… I feel this is just like your doctor saying, “well the reason you have diabetes is genetic, there is nothing you can do.” BULLSHIT… that doctor is not taking into consideration that you are 200 pounds over weight! Yes genetics are a factor but you can do something about that factor. You can take responsibility for these things happening in your life. He is just not that into you?? Well maybe you are so desperate for his attention that you are stealing energy from him. You cannot do that… He will instinctively pull away or use you as a masturbatory device.
Combat the helplessness…
The secret is being able to sense the balance. If it is not there, for god sake don’t make it worse by demanding it! If he does not reciprocate pull back, and regroup. Maybe he really isn’t into you or maybe he is in love with your sister. Well great! Now you know the truth but if you push you are going to get a false positive and just like that guy texting you too often you are going to be removed from his life.
By saying he is just not that into you not only absolves the needy of responsibly it also says you can do nothing to create more attraction. This is ridiculous. Attraction is very much formed in the mind and you can control this. (do you remember that not so hot guy you dated that was so amazing!??) Are you a wallflower that relies on someone being into you before you can have a relationship?? No…! You must create that attraction; you must be fun, playful, cool and confident. Yes… Maybe he is not that into you but if you put your best foot forward 90% of the time he will be!
- You must be so into yourself that you would NEVER allow relationship imbalance
- A good sales person could sell you a dead muskrat, are you selling yourself well?
- He’s just not that into you, can be dangerous make sure you apply it appropriately
- Take responsibility for the situation and understand your role in it, now DON’T REPEAT
Question for later post:
Why is it that we often meet wonderful people when we are not looking for them?
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Alright Mike, I can appreciate your point of view here, and I can even admit that you’re right about the book, it doesn’t offer any solutions really, it just sort of gives reasons for why dudes aren’t into you.
I’m having a hard time here, because I have the need to stand up and yell BULLSHIT as loud as I can. And trust me when I saw, I’m not a needy chick.
I hate hate hate that you started one of your paragraphs with Why are you responsible. I refuse to believe this. I don’t tell a man I’m going to call when I’m not interested in him. I don’t lead him to believe I’m into him and then run in the other direction. I don’t play games. I refuse to believe that I’m responsible for a man being too much of a chicken shit to give me the simple act of telling me the truth … He’s Just Not That Into Me.
This all sounds like I’d be playing one big game and Cookie, I’m Just Not Into a Man that wants to play them with me.
On the other hand, I agree that balance is a good thing. I’d also call it … a nice, honest, healthy interest in each other.
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WOW, you hate hate hate it!
“I refuse to believe this”
I hate hate hate to say this but I think you might be scaring that shit out of guys and they are too afraid to tell you the truth. This is a game you might be playing, a qualifier to weed out the weenies.
A lot of people I know react to this the same way. I did the first time. It is like taking responsibility for your financial state or your health. Not an easy thing to accept when a lot of “bullshit” is being thrown at you.
However you are very right that most men don’t have the guts to be honest. It is terrifying for a lot of guys to tell the truth. Me included. I had to make a lot of mistakes to before I finally learned the honest path was the one I HAD to take.
My major point is that the message the book give is a cop out. It give puts all the cards in the guys lap and give you no power. This is simply NOT TRUE.
Okay, I’m scaring them because I’m … honest?
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QTMama, question for you… (Mike, sorry if this is diverging from the original topic)… What DO you tell a guy that you aren’t interested in? You said you don’t tell him you’ll call, and you don’t lead him on, but what do you say?
My problem is that when I am not into a guy, I don’t say anything, I play the ignore game and hope he will get the hint and disappear. I’ve definitely had my fair share of wusses who disappear, but I have also been the wuss who struggles with being bluntly upfront and honest.
Mike feel free to offer your advice as well…
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*eating popcorn and watching*
I’ve already added what I think I have to add when Mike twittered about this subject. I think the book empowers women by reminding them that they don’t have to put all their eggs in one basket. If a man isn’t into them, that doesn’t mean all men aren’t, it just means that relationship wasn’t the right fit for them. If he’s the type of man that doesn’t want to give a relationship time to grow, then he’s simply too immature for a relationship at that time. I like the Move ON mentality.
Now I’m done. *more popcorn*
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Hi,
Mike’s mom here. Yup I actually read some of my son’s posts!
Mike’s post is a very tender issue for most women. I personally have had to grapple with the pain from these confusing relationships more than once in my own life. I totally understand QT Mamma’s response. You do all the right things but the guy is still a jerk. Your unhappiness in this relationship then is HIS responsibility right? No, he’s still responsible for maybe leading you on for his own selfish agenda, but YOU are responsible for your own happiness. The point is, as Jillian commented above, if a man isn’t into a woman that doesn’t mean all men aren’t. Taking responsibility is about dropping the man that isn’t into you and moving on to the man that is!
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Mike’s Mom! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you read his blog and that you’re commenting! And here’s the thing, if he’s not into me, I’m totally okay with it. What I’m notokay with is when a guy pretends like he’s into me just so he doesn’t have to TELL me he’s not into me. Ugh. I just don’t have TIME for that.
I’m 36 years old, I’m a single mom. Life is short dammit!
And for LC – Darlin, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. See, from my POV, I’d rather treat someone the way I’d like to be treated. And while it’s not always easy, most dudes seem to accept a simple, “I’ve had fun, but this just isn’t gonna happen for me.” Men are not stupid, they have that internal voice that tells them the same thing it tells us, methinks. They just listen to theirs better than we do.
Jillian, pass the popcorn Cookie. I am all about the move on mentality. I’m an old lady as it is, who has time for the crap?
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Oh and um, cuz Mike’s mom is here, I suddenly feel the need to apologize for any foul language I may have used in front of you. I suddenly felt very disrespectful. Sorry Mike’s mommy, my own mama raised me better than that.
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And I apologize for implying that I might ever want to “hit that” in regards to your son. Even though he is a gorgeous man with whom I have fascinating conversation.
I also appreciate that you guys have an open relationship in that you can come to Mike’s blog and read it and accept him so lovingly and comment to us so lovingly. It speaks volumes for you and tells me a lot about why Mike is as thoughtful as he is.
QT, I adore you as always. Are 100 cal packs ok? They don’t taste as good as movie theater popcorn, but I’m cheap like that and refuse to pay $8 for a freaking bag of cholesterol.
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Mikes Mum! LMAO That’s so cute.
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Man…
How embarrassing… my mom gets on the blog!
BTW my mom is very cool and has been my number one fan since the beginning. She is very open minded and could care less if people swear or hit on me.
My mother and I are of the same mind (who do you think taught me a lot of this stuff!) and we discuss a lot of post before I ever put them up. We both agree on the responsibility stuff but she brought up a good point. I was not addressing that the guy was responsible as well and it seemed like I was putting it all in the woman’s lap. That is not at all what I wanted to put across. I write my blog for better relationships not to blame either sex.
SO, PLEASE REMEMBER you can not change him or force him to look at his responsibility, no matter how much you want to it is not going to happen!
That means that the only person you can truly effect is you! Therefore you must be a lot more responsible than you may be willing to admit. He might totally be to blame but doing so can turn you into a victim. If you live your life as a victim you will actually draw the people to victimize you.
This is what I mean by taking responsibility.
P.S.
I have actually wanted my mom to get on the blog sometime and give her two cents about something. Thanks for giving her a warm welcome, maybe she will write for me sometime because of it.
I knew it was just a matter of time before I opened my mouth and made a comment. Mike, love the site! Mikes mom – you did a great job! Now, to the good stuff. Read both the books you mentioned. Yes, they were bullshit because they offered no solutions. Most of the time, guys don’t get a clue about honesty or responsibility or the need to think about others until they reach their 40’s….if you’re lucky. I think one of the many key ingredients to a good healthy relationship is ACCOUNTABILITY. I went thru my wild teens and early twenties – I grew up in the 60’s and early 70″s (yeh, just admitted I am THAT old) and I was the craziest of crazies. But I just celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary and actually still love my husband! Wow.
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The other thing that helped was that we didn’t own any weapons! Seriously. Being married is not always easy, but life wasn’t meant to be easy. And you’ve gotta have a sense of humor!!!!!! Well, maybe during those “times” it wasn’t funny, but both of us share a good laugh now when we look back. And sometimes, you get to date a bunch of assholes in your teens and 20’s, hop from bed to bed, fall in and out of love with the ones who “just aren’t that into you” and then, the right asshole comes along and you both work really hard because that’s what a relationship is – believe me, the first 20 years my husband thought his middle name was “asshole”!
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Ah Jillian, I adore you right back!
Mr. Masters, I can accept your theory of taking responsibility, without a problem. I don’t want to change anyone and don’t want anyone changing me. I can however stick my tongue out and make the PFFFFFTTTTT noise at you for your tag line, “Typical girl mistakes”. Your entry sort of reminds me of a quote I heard last night, “The one who cares less in the relationship is the one who holds the power.” I find that true and sad all at the same time.
Other than that, much bloggy love, cookie.
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@QT I can understand how you feel about the typical girl mistake tag. That was not intentional! I have things set up to auto tag to related posts. Oops… it is removed.
Thanks for PPHHHTTing at my tag. I appreciate that my message may not be heard because it seems like I am pointing at women not men. I need to be more careful and address both sexes in post like this one. The last thing I want to do is turn women off!
“the one who cares less holds the power” Ouch… that is sad. If the situation is like that, I refuse to hold that power. I will either break up or give it back.
BTW I am 36 too!
@roadtripmama
Hey! thanks for coming by the blog and happy 25th anniversary. Makes me think that marriage is something I could do someday too! I would like to hear more about accountability, sounds like a great subject to blog about.
HI!
Just want to thank those that responded to my post.
I also need to add what I have learned about the big question, “Why does a guy lead a girl on?” Well let me tell you about my neighbor Bob who I walk with several times a week. Trust me even the BIG boys have huge problems taking responsibility for breaking up. Bob is 60 years old and desperately trying to end a 16 month relationship. The last 4 months he’s been laying a complex groundwork to help his lady friend see things are finished. Some of this includes being critical and disrespectful towards her. He continues to amp this up every few days along with other obvious hints. He’s forcing HER to finally make the move out, relieving him of the responsibility to end it.
Here are the two biggest reasons he gave me for this.
1. He doesn’t want to hurt her
I say to him , “HUH? Isn’t this happening already on a much bigger scale by not telling her outright?”
2. He likes the physical part of the relationship. As he puts it, “I have to stop thinking with the other brain.”
Yes he is a “chicken shit”. He even uses the exact phrase to describe himself. I personally will add from a woman’s point of view also acting like an “asshole”. I keep telling him that he has to ax this thing off for both their sakes. He agrees. I think he genuinely hates his nasty behavior and though I deplore it too his actions tell me a lot besides just his inner turmoil. Women, a guy is literally throwing the power at you so take the HINT and leave!!
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Yep. That’s why this book is GREAT!
Nah nah nah nah nah, Mike.
I think you hit the nail on the head, tqween. We can either let men who are wimpy step on us to allow themselves the catharsis of dumping responsibility or we can take it on ourselves to see that he’s not interested and let go on our own. We don’t have to sit there and take it in an act of desperation. Either he is invested or not. If he doesn’t want to take the time to get there, he’s not. It’s a pretty simple equation.
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OH, forgot to say thank you too for all the encouraging and kind words from others. Never fear if I am lurking here. Feel free to comment honestly and write in the style you want and yes Mike I will write for you sometime!
Thanks!
Mike’s Mom
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A total “YES!” to your last comment Jillian! Even though my friend Bob was honest with me he is unfortunately a wimp. His lady friend, poor soul, is focusing on all the mistakes he’s pointing out about her instead of seeing the big picture, why he’s doing it.
Well, I don’t think I can blame her. We all make this mistake sometimes even when we know what’s going on. We just so-o-o want the guy to like us and s-o-o-o want to win him over and worst of all we so hate feeling the blow of the final ax. It’s a lot less painful though if we do the leaving because it puts us in a position of strength.
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I totally agree. And what happens with that process is that the woman chooses to allow the focus to be on her faults instead of the wimpy actions of the male. It decreases her self-confidence and her sense of efficacy and she begins to feel powerless. She also begins to think she can’t do better than him and so she clings to him more tightly. He’s actually making it HARDER to get rid of her. You make a lot of fantastic points.
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book still sucks!
Gee mom nice can of worms you opened up here!
I don’t think many girls realize how terribly afraid of women so many men are. I think most men would rather get into a fist fight then break up a long term relationship (or short term). This slimy way of wriggling out of a relationship I do not condone. Although this is something that a lot of women don’t understand about men and consequently need to work with. Just like you can’t change LA traffic by screaming at it a man’s inadequacies in this arena are better understood than fought.
can’t wait to write about that… What should I title it? “Why men are such dishonest wussies when it comes to break ups” ?
BTW if you are on facebook with me, you can join my mom too. Her name is Sandy.
Mike, I think you might have trouble getting that title by a publisher. I like “The Cowardly Lion.”
I’ve requested mom’s friendship. If she rejects me I’ll be heartbroken. But at least I’ll know she’s just not that into me.
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I heart Mike’s Mom.
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Also, I have to throw in there, I let out a big ass sigh when I read that even sixty year old men don’t haven’t grown their balls yet. Sheesh.
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Ninety year old men haven’t grown their balls and we haven’t grown ours either, whatever the equivalent would be (Ovaries?) No matter how old we are. I think it’s kind of human nature to not want to step up and do the really responsible but difficult thing don’t you? It’s tough to leave a bad relationship and tough to be the one to break up. Funny, it’s easier to leave a bad job but then maybe our hormones aren’t as involved.
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mens inadequacies are not an excuse for their behavior (dishonesty in relationships), and while we can’t change them, they are capable of changing themselves…if they really are invested. We need to be willing to walk from the relationship and see ourselves as not dependent on the guy.
I am most upset about what you said about traffic in LA…I’ve been yelling all this time and it’s not doing me any good?????
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Oh yes, truly it is about honesty. You are right. Mike! Why should we have to accept a guy’s dishonesty? Are you making excuses for men not taking responsibility?
I think you’re saying don’t try to fight it, just understand it, that men are really wimps inside and it’s tough for them. But it’s tough for us too. Maybe men have to understand how ripped up we feel and accept this and understand it?
Ultimately though it’s about “you can’t change others; you can only change yourself.”
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Oh hell. I just have a problem with this whole relationship balance thing… pull back, go forward.. pull back. If a guy likes me, 9 times out of 10 I don’t like him. If I like a guy then things seem to go ok and then he pulls back after a few dates and I usually just give up LOL.
It gets confusing.. when to pull back and when to go forward. I think it is human nature this relationship balance struggle but I find I suck at it!
hehe my two NZ cents worth.
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BTW I did like the movie, as a movie though, not as a dating bible!
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okay got access to a wifi!
@tqween/mom
@jillian The cowardly lion, that is really good. I think I might use that.
Isn’t fear interesting? both men and women are paralyzed by it. I think you could boil down about every relationship problem to fear. I have to admit I fight it all the time too. Should I stay with her, should I break up??? I get stuck in the middle because I am afraid of what I might lose. So I will force myself to choose. You all might hear about it soon.
@QT I heart my mom too
@roadtripmamma If a man is an axe murderer I would not ask you to excuse his behavior, I would however encourage you to stay away from him! Unfortunately though so many men have honesty issues when it comes to relationships. So my point is that if you are forewarned of this inadequacy you very might very well be able to catch him in his BS. If this is so you might also be able to teach him to be a better man.
In defense of men though women have just as man dishonesty issues! but in this particular area men reign.
@Amanda The balance might take a while to feel. I would let the man lead just slightly. I am guessing that you giving up might be part of the problem. Are you beating him to the rejection? (P.S. it is totally okay to suck at something but not okay to give up)
I really want to respond! But I am in San diego about to go to sea world! I will respond soon when I have something better than an iPhone! Take care everyone!
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As long as you give me credit for being brilliant and gorgeous, I’m all for it.
Mainly the gorgeous part. I just like to hear it. I already know I have a brain.
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“Ultimately though it’s about “you can’t change others; you can only change yourself.”
Love it love it!
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You’re right, women have dishonesty issues as well. But going back to what you said, how could I be “forewarned”…Do I hand the guy a checklist upon meeting him and ask him to fill it out? And who is to say if he would be honest on THAT? What does the list ask…Does your father lie to his mother? Do you really like chick flics? Define the word “love”. And if I were forewarned, how do I determine if this guys is worth the work? So much does not come out in a personality for the first 5 years, and then your in it up to your ears – invested – and see, wow, this is going to take a lot of work. What was I thinking? What do you do at that point? I don’t think forewarned would help. Jumping with both feet not knowing might be better -
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@Mike Oh I don’t intend to give up.. retreat and regroup maybe but not give up.
Hmm gotcha loud and clear about the man leading just slightly. Can’t help myself sometimes.. I do the leading at work and it flows over.
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@roadtripmama LOL… I’ll have a copy of that checklist when your done!
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Okay, I was busy for a few days and may be hopping on here late, but I may be like the gal that’s just not that into you. During that time I was raising my son, working full time and going to school full time. I knew that I didn’t have the time to fully develop a relationship that would be meaningful. I had also gone through a major heartbreak and knew that I needed time to come back to myself. But a gal’s gotta have fun too, right? So I kept it vague, returned calls if I was bored and only saw a guy at my convenience. Not one met my son or “stayed over” or anything like that. The guy was never a true contender for my heart, no matter if he was hot, rich and nice (and I did let one go who fit all those). Sometimes it is true that they may just not be that into you regardless of your perfection!
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