Shiho becomes the laziest person on the planet
It was close to Christmas time and I had already made the decision to break up with Shiho (rough name). When I decided to have her live with me we had been together for over a year. I swore to myself that I would never do this again… Yet I was in love, lonely and a bit stupid. Shiho came to stay with me in California. Almost immediately things fell apart, the balance that we had before was lost. I was working 70 hours a week and Shiho a big ZERO. I insisted that she at least work but she refused and decided to watch youtube while intermittently sleeping on the carpet. She was like the larval stage of a bluebottle, feeding off of the net rather than a corpse. I would come home to see her bleary eyed greasy and un-showered at 8 at night, it felt like I was living with a druggie minus the drugs. This continued for months and mold like, my disgust grew . I found myself physically repelled from her and our sex life dropped to nothing. It was time to cut things off and tell her she had to go home!
Trapped!!!
I would have done it right away but there was one very large obstacle. Shiho and I had been invited to Hawaii to stay with my family at a beautiful six bedroom home on the beach. Everything was already in the works, we had bought our plane tickets and only had weeks to go. I felt trapped, like a breast between mammogram plates.
Picking a side
Have you ever seen the Karate kid? There is an amazing line that I have never forgotten. Mr. Miagi is talking to Daniel San about picking sides. In a guttural old man Japanese voice he said “Daniel San! Pick right side or left side of road. If you stand in middle you get squashed like grape!!” This movie wisdom has been with me my entire life, it has helped my driving and life skills. You cannot and must not sit in the middle over choices in life, choose something, anything then make it the right choice. Once made stick to your decision 100% because all choices lead to a positive outcome if you are heading in the right direction. I was prepared to do this with Shiho, prepared to put up with a few more weeks for her sake.
When honest is not the best policy
Shiho had created excellent relationships with my family and was always wonderful to me. Even though we were done weeks before the vacation I was determined to have her last days with me be positive. We had a fantastic time in Hawaii and created many wonderful memories. I kept my love for the past Shiho as alive as possible and I think we will never forget that vacation. A few days after we got back to California I sat down with her and explained that she needed to move out. We had tried our best and it didn’t work out. I gritted my teeth in pain as she cried non-stop. I cried as well but I had chosen my side of the road and I wouldn’t waiver. She went back and I stayed here but we are still care about one another. I don’t regret my decision to stick it out and I would repeat it in a heartbeat.
- Avoidance of pain now leads to more later
- The most difficult path is almost always the one you need to take
- If you put $100 on red, don’t agonize over black
- You can not win betting on red and black at the same time, make a choice
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
It sounds like poor Shiho was suffering from some pretty serious depression–probably from culture shock and increasing isolation, even though you encouraged her to get out of the house at least for English classes. Did you encourage her to see someone to get some mental health help? Is she more put together now that she’s home? I feel for her…. Depression is definitely hard on any sort of relationship, platonic or romantic.
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Sarah usually I agree with you but Shiho had zero depression. If anything I think she was afraid to study English. I gave her 4 months to get over this fear but finally I lost my patience. It was not depression. It might have been cultural, since her mother behaves similarly.
The second she got back to japan she flipped back into the person she used to be and all was well.
Wow, what a jerk you are. You bring a woman who doesn’t speak English to America, away from her own family — essentially making her a stranger in a strange land — and are so self-centered that you’re completely incapable of empathizing and considering how she was probably homesick or even dealing with culture shock. You lose patience with her. You discard her from your life.
To you she was to be nothing more than something you accessorized your lifestyle with. She was not a human being to you.
I bet you’ve struck out with a few American women and blamed it all on them, then thought you’d find yourself a nice Asian woman. Now that’s been an abject failure. I’d advise you to not inflict yourself on any more women, no matter their nationality.
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Wow you couldn’t be more wrong surfergurl and are totally missing the point.
I lived in Japan for 7 years and it was Shiho who wanted to live with me, she made herself the stranger in a strange land.
I could empathize well since I have lived in other countries for long periods. I encouraged her daily to get to know my culture. I told her I have learned hers now please try to learn mine but she wouldn’t.
Accessorized my life with her?? No… I loved her.
How old are you?? 16?
before you comment on a blog learn a little about the writer. You are welcome to comment again but think a little more before you do.
(Surfergurl just commented again a whole lot nastier! so I have deleted her comment and blocked her IP, this is a friendly area, not a place to rant at the opposite sex)
confused by the above comments?
it is because I removed all references to Japan. I wanted to have the reader get the point! not worry about if Shiho was depressed or not.
Or think that I am some evil guy not happy with a mail order bride!
Thanks Surfergurl for letting me see that things are not clear for people that don’t know me.
Mike, thanks for your article. I like it.
Honesty is a major issue of values. We should show honesty in every where, specially with partner.
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Mike, it is a bit ridiculous when you have to explain yourself because someone decides to comment on your article without asking questions and instead assuming such ridiculous things.
It sounds like the commentator hates on men in general and clearly does not understand the point of this article. Like I don’t even want to waste my energy on commenting back to what she wrote, it is just ridiculous.
I wanna congratulate you for having the courage to share these amazing stories and experiences you have gone through. Not many people are willing to come out and say that they made a mistake and learned from it.
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Ok, now that I’ve taken time to process that person’s anger, I can comment without reacting to her freakout in kind. What I’m seeing is someone who is responding to you instead of the person who treated her in a way that hurt her. I’m sorry that you were her scapegoat.
Your honesty is one of the things that makes this blog what it is and the main reason I’m here. Genuineness in the age of the internet is rare and I treasure it when I can find it. Your treatment of Shiho was completely respectful and I think that the way it ended was far better than it could have been.
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I dated a guy who had depression. Depression looks and sounds exactly like this. It’s not about being sad. It’s apathy, the inabiilty or fear to do things that might be best for you. She may have been homesick or something to start with but it actually does sound like serious depression, undiagnosed it never gets better (and honestly if she was unwilling to even learn english she probably wouldn’t have gotten help, either)
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Tom and Jillian thanks for the support!
I really want to be honest on my blog. New people may not understand that I am explaining my mistakes and I really am empathetic to their cause!
Once again guys I really really appreciate the support.
Take it from your reporter friend: if you’re not getting nasty emails, you’re not doing your job. It’s always a conundrum when the relationship falls apart right before a big trip. Not sure what the right answer is.
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hey now… im freaking depressed and let me tell you… i does NOT involve youtube…. Crown and coke, yes!
you tube … no…
you know I love you Mike… I got it… and it was easy, and we both know how I treat men! Yea baby!! lol!
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Terra you are really interesting…
Always like getting your comments
Druz…
Great to get a comment from an old friend. Miss talking to you buddy.
Mike,
Still the sweetheart I remember…. you did the right thing. I do not know how long you were together in Japan, but if she chose to come here then she needed to put some effort in to building a life here instead of checking out. It could be chocked up to culture shock, but I don’t think it was entirely that.
I think you did the right thing the worst part is that you loved her, but because you care about her and your self you had to let her go.
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Still the sweetheart I remember?? Do I know you????
Thank God someone thinks I did the right thing!!
I learned Japanese, I knew japan. All I wanted to someone to at least attempt the same.
I knew I could not change her but the appearance of side I had never seen before was a deal breaker to say the least.
yes you do but such a long time ago before Japan. you will have to ask Casey
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I don’t think you did the wrong thing at all! She clearly needed to go home and you did the right thing in establishing your boundaries and following through on them. Depression or no, it seems like she wasn’t happy and that was a hard on you, too. The same sorts of boundaries need to get drawn with depressed people too, no matter how much we love them. If a depressed person doesn’t get help and it’s more than you can handle to keep trying, then the best and most honest thing is to say “I love you, I can’t see this, it’s time for you to go home/elsewhere/something.” I just wondered if she was depressed because what you described included many of the classic symptoms, so I was wondering–I really wasn’t trying to criticize in saying that I felt for her. I just do! And I’m glad to hear that she is back to her old self now that she’s home. Living in a new culture is tough–I too know this from first hand experience. But you were right to encourage her to go home–it was best for her, and clearly best for you.
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Hi Sarah! didn’t see a criticism at all. Just realized that I was taking away from the point and I needed to change things.
Let’s talk in person soon.
I definitely second Tom’s comments on this one. Truth devoid of context doesn’t exist…it’s a lie. The angry respondent was clearly projecting her own politics onto your situation, which was patently unfair. Ironically, it was she who failed to engage in the process of perspective taking- the very thing of which she accused you.
Kudos for the site, Mike. It is almost as good as having you around. I really appreciate your sage advice!
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