The desperate need for love and security
When I dated Angie I had no idea I didn’t respect her. It only came to me when I was told by a friend “why are you with her? You act like you can’t stand her.” This floored me at the time and I was very distressed to realize it was true. I didn’t respect Angie and I was needling her with veiled cruelty to get her to fight back. I was very shaken to think that I was treating her this way. Wasn’t I smarter than that? I thought I was a nice guy, why was I so awful to her? Did she want to be with me so badly that my abuse and prodding was an acceptable price? I had to cut things off because I could no longer face myself for treating her this way.
Potential for an unhealthy relationship
I always push in my blog that it is important to allow the man to lead, allowing him to guide the relationship dance. Unfortunately I think a tremendous amount of women think that allowing him to lead includes leaving their self-respect and soul behind, only to be smothered by his.
The nightmare principal
I used to have a fantastic job as a kindergarten teacher. The pay was wonderful and I loved the children. The only problem was the eighty year old geriatric Principal. She would sit in on my classes butting in as if to compete with the children! I would grind my teeth and squeeze my eyes in frustration as she grabbed the crayon from a student. “No… that is not how you write an E” she would say, holding the shaken student’s hand, forcing him to do it correctly. I would look at her in incredulity as she answered language questions aimed at students. I banged my head against the wall when she would demand I use ancient teaching methods. I really loved this job but I couldn’t go on any longer. I spoke to her about this, it continued, we spoke again, it still continued. I reached the end of my patience and told her that I couldn’t work there any longer, they needed to find a teacher that was more in harmony with their needs. I left unemployed but thankfully with my integrity intact. One week later I was asked to come back. The younger teachers had stepped in and championed my cause. The relationship radically improved between me and the principal and for five years I enjoyed the best job I have ever had.
Kept woman
I see owned women all around me, women that have bowed to the subtle battering of their significant others. These women are putting their self-respect in jeopardy rather than the relationship. In a state of desperation they are swallowed up by the beliefs and demands of their husbands and boyfriends. Deep down these women feel an aching disturbance, knowing that they have sacrificed themselves in order to keep the relationship in pseudo harmony. Unfortunately this is an ever accelerating slippery slope and as they sacrifice themselves their partner continues to eat at them. This sacrificing of ones self only leads to a worsening of the relationship as the man pushes and pushes out of disgust and confusion.
- Never compromise happiness for security
- Golden handcuffs should never be worn
- The more you sacrifice of your self worth the more is demanded
- Your friends/family don’t like him? Maybe you should ask why
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
it’s great if there are men out there who want to and who know how to lead in a relationship, not all men do. it’s not smothering. if a man’s intentions are honorable, it’s a breath of fresh air to relinquish that “power” of control for most women. or is that just for me.
i like the passenger seat and don’t mind being on the bottom.
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Natural, I would agree with the statement that not all men do. There are plenty that have no idea how to guide, flirt, cajole, take charge, etc. Frankly, being in charge is incredibly tiresome. I like to think I have a lot of moxie, but it would be intriguing to have it turned on me a bit at times.
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It could be self esteem, co-dependancy, “how I was raised”, religious committment that cause a woman to put up with it. My dad once told me if I’m with a man and I don’t love him the way he is then don’t stay with him. He may change for a little while but eventually he will go back to who he is. It is good advice.
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First its called “SELF” respect, “SELF” esteem for a reason..It should be about SELF..Honestly I feel “WE” as people go into relationships just because..The mere factor is relationships should be about balance..I’m so over the fact of the man leading and the woman follows, because in a “healthy” relationship its a split partnership. Relationships should be about complimenting each other, not COMPLETING each other..I think thats where we all lose focus..A smart woman know’s we only make the man think he’s leading, therefore no self preservation will be lost..:) At the end of the day, everyone is Happy..
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This is an excellent piece! All too often, I find from personal experience and word of mouth from friends that people lose themselves as individuals in relationships. From what I have read in many “self-help” publications, I believe that there needs to be three main components in a healthy, successful, long-term relationship. A “ME,” a “YOU,” and an “US.” If you have failed to honor and/or recognize any ONE of those very critical elements, not only will the relationship be doomed, but so will the participants involved!
I USED to believe that making sure I was home the nano-second my husband was due to stroll through the front door after a long day at work was essential. Having the most perfect meal prepared (and steaming hot on the table) upon his arrival was equally as critical to me. Don’t forget the morning phone call, the afternoon check-in call, followed up by the evening “just because” phone call, never mind the multiple text messages during the day, just to make sure he always knew where I was, and when he could expect me home.
Funny enough, I’d find him frustrated, irritated, and even flat out angry with me. He’d beg me to “just go get myself a hobby,” “call up a girlfriend and go shopping,” or more simply put, he’d say, “GO AWAY!!!”
*I MADE A BIG MISTAKE!!!* These actions will have ANY man RUNNING, not walking, out the door…probably for good!
Nowadays, I have a heck of a lot more respect for myself, my time, and his right to have his own identity, separate from being just my “husband.” Overnight, the tables began to turn. I have SO many hobbies, SO many places to go, and SO many people to see. When I DO have time with my husband, it’s nothing short of WONDERFUL. It’s all about QUALITY over QUANTITY of time spent together. He respects the fact that I have my OWN life, outside of and in addition to our marriage.
Healthy relationships are led TOGETHER. Side by side. We have found the most perfect balance to make the marriage less “WORK” and much more rewarding for both of us.
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