Step #10 Is it okay to chase a guy??
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Going against the grain
Sometimes I write for a website called girlsaskguys.com this site is populated mainly by teenagers so full up with hormones they are splitting at the seams. Whenever I give advice it is either embraced or hated. One of the most controversial topics being whether or not a girl should chase a guy. I have answered this question a few times on the website until I got a little sick of it! Inevitably it was a 16 year old girl with a thing for a guy that was not paying her much attention. The funny thing is that the majority of responses girls would get were from guys, each on of them saying “go for it! I really enjoy when I girl asks me out!” I think I was the only guy out of 20 that said. “Don’t do it!” Why do you think the guys are for it? because it takes very little work to hook up with a girl that already wants you. What will the outcome be? Her alone and him with another notch on his belt.
Crazy wonderful Brazilians
I have never experienced more of one race chasing me than Brazilians. It is almost comical how often it has happened to me. The last time I met a girl out dancing and we went back to her place for a second party. She was pretty but it just wasn’t clicking for me. We kissed a few times and attraction came in waves, not really very strong. Since I was not making the moves she made them for me. She dragged me into her room undressed me and pulled me into the shower. That was pretty cool but the aggressiveness made me uncomfortable… It was too easy and just not sexy. Here I am naked in the shower with her looking at me incredulously. “What is wrong with you??? Are you gay?” This was the wrong thing to say, I responded “might be” and proceeded to towel off and get dressed. She was furious with me to say the least.
The easy fruit
Imagine you are in an orchard and while strolling along a big delicious fruit falls on you. You look around and only this particular tree seems to be dropping fruit, all the other trees are holding their fruit back. So you plop under the tree and just wait for fruit to fall, it does and soon you are fat with fruit letting all the extra rot around you. This fruit is not very valuable to you since you don’t have to work to get it and it. Enter rock star, does he have to climb trees for fruit? Does he feel any value whatsoever towards fruit? Or does he just gorge himself on whatever falls in his lap? Do you want to be gorged upon and tossed aside? Do you want to be the fruit that falls in a guys lap???
Guys are chasers girls are choosers
Dating is a bit like a high school dance all the guys are huddled in the corner interested in the girls but terrified to choose. The girls are in another corner anxious for a guy to ask them! This balance is understood very clearly in high school and is only broken when a girl gets desperate enough to make a move. Which unfortunately rarely works out for the girl.
Why were the Brazilian girls so aggressive with me? Why did they drop their fruit in my lap? I think it is because of Brazilian men. Brazilian guys are pretty masculine, they are the type of guys to wolf whistle at a girl walking by or to slap her on the ass in a club. They are used to the flak they might get from a girl and take it in stride. They have very little fear and go after the fruit they want to eat no matter how tall the tree. What does this have to do with me? Well the fruit wants to be eaten as well and when it sees a potential eater, it quivers with anticipation but know it should not drop. So it waits for the guy to climb the tree to pluck it but what if the guy doesn’t act? This is baffling to a Brazilian fruit and out of desperation and confusion it drops into my lap only to be rejected.
What does this have to do with you?
As an American girl I think you might be a bit confused. The lines of masculine and feminine roles have become a bit muddled. Guys are not acting as aggressive as they should be and you as the chooser have no one to choose from. Why is this? I think American guys are turning a bit feminine, they are afraid to be guys, to chase, to be assertive with women. Women are having to play the part of men to get things going!
Take a look at this chart done by durex on sexual acitivity. Do you notice that the most aggressive male cultures are having the most sex? I am sure there are other factors involved but look how high Brazil and Greece are (masculine guys) and how low the US and Japan are (feminine guys)
What if he just won’t chase you??
If my theory is right that many American guys are a bit out of the chasing business. What is the correct course of action for you? Well, if you must hit a guy over the head to show you like him, fine.
But… Do it only this way…
1. Approach him only once. Let him know, then back off immediately and let him make the next move, for example, “Hey I think you are pretty cool, if you ask me out sometime, I might say yes” and then you leave.
2. Do it with a TON of confidence. Make sure it is clear you could care less whether he makes a move or not (so in other words lie)
3. Be prepared to move on immediately. You applied for this job and you didn’t get accepted, NEXT!!!
4. If he does take you up on it make sure he has to work for it. You can coach him on what to do but you are NOT are NOT the chaser.
If at all possible you should have the guy chase you, this will give you the best balance and most control in the relationship. If you chase him you will end up with sex but no guy. If he does not get it, give him a BIG hint, still does not get it? Save your self-respect for a guy that is more into you.
- Girls are choosers guys are chasers, this is what guys like
- If you must chase you MUST keep your self respect
- A girl that chases a guy too aggressively means free sex for the guy (okay if that is what you want too)
- A guy will never respect a girl that has not made him work for her fruit
Want a little more info? I have written a similar post about chasing guys here and it has been surprising popular with the search engines.
Step #11 It’s raining men, how to get it to pour more often
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Good post! Question–how would you advise a girl who is chronically clueless about guys’ interest in her and fails to recognize the signs of interest (’cause I think that even “feminized” Am. men *must* show some level of interest, if only through eye contact) even when they are there in front of her nose–despite the potential femininity of American men? Especially if such a girl wouldn’t dream of making the first move (there are some of those left out there, you know)? And with regards to the femininity of our men, is it really that men are more feminine than they used to be, or are they still trying to figure out the rules in a game that’s changed radically and quickly since the advent of birth control? Are men less manly, or they just more confused? Just curious what you think.
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I agree that recognizing signals is a very important part of the whole “meet a great guy thing” I didn’t really forget that but since I was a bit short on space I want to save that for another post. However I think most girls know when a guy has a thing for her and does not make the moves. What about the guy they are not sure about? I think that it is a great time to create that attraction by being playful and engaging him. If he plays back you have a potential. Test the waters by saying something like “you are more interesting than I first thought (with a mischievous smile) lets talk again sometime, here is my number. Call me or send me a text” NOW LEAVE…
As for the second question I think men are trying to figure out the rules of the new game. The the feminist movement gave a lot of moms pretty strong ideals which they passed to their sons, Not to mention the backlash of this movement left men stinging and very confused. Is it from birth control? That might be part of it but I imagine it is more a global shift in power toward women that men don’t know how to react to.
I have made some mistakes here. Stinken American men! I spent some time in Costa Rica, and I would have to say it really was an eye opener. Its alot easier to feel feminine. We have made a mess of things in the US. Women chasing men, men sitting back chilling. So much easier for men to wait, I guess (which is odd since they have to wait on us all the time!lol).
Great article, lots of good info.
Am curious Mike, you having been chased down so much, where do you find yourself? Has the game emasculated your process? How do you keep perspective and continue enjoying the chase? Does it have a lot to do with the types that you let chase you vs the types that you would get off your butt to chase?
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It really surprised me that this post was one of my most popular. I had no idea that women were that frustrated and confused about this issue. I even wrote about it again! I think it is in the related posts above.
Your question is really good! Have I been emasculated? Yes and no…
Since I am not willing to put up with the consequences of catching the prey I don’t chase anymore. I am not willing to be in a relationship right now and I don’t think it is fair to yank someone’s emotions around with sex. Sooo… I kinda stopped. If I get lonely enough I might let a girl after me have a bite but I make it really clear I am not available. But have I become more feminine? I appear that way, not willing to get off my butt. However if I am interested I will defiantly chase!! and enjoy it in the process.
Wow, this really clarified a lot! Thank you!
Ok, so I just read about 6 of your posts and can now really identify the mistakes I made throughout this new ‘relationship’ im in.
you wrote:
“… If you chase him you will end up with sex but no guy.”
Well, in the beginning he was really interested in me and talking about the whole dating thing. At the time- I was busy with friends that were visiting along with school etc… and he knew that, but I didn’t realize until later that once my friends had left (freeing up a lot of my day), he began to seem less… interested. After about 3 weeks of seeing him off and on (maybe 3 times max-he is super busy with work) he let me know that he wasn’t sure if he was ready to have a girlfriend. I wasn’t going to push it and during a text conversation I accidentally agreed to a ‘no strings attached’ thing so basically now.. its just occasional sex. I definitely was chasing and still am a bit however i have definitely calmed down and have a lot more control when we talk. I want to know if I have ruined my chances for a relationship? I know that we are a good match but I have made everything too easy for him and I am loosing his interest. Ahhh! What do I do??
Thank you! Your articles have already helped tremendously!
p.s. you should write a book!
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i have a couple of questions. first, is there such a thing as a guy who isn’t the jealous type? second, can a casual relationship ever turn into a serious one?
i’m curious as to what your take is on the following situation:
i met a guy over a month ago, through a mutual friend. he lives in california and i, on the east coast. we slept together (i lost track how many times) over about four to five days. he then left to go back home to california.
i really was only looking at this as a fling, at first, especially because i am a newly-divorced woman. however, over the course of those few days, something changed – i actually began to like him a little. when he got back, he was honest with me and said that he’s not ready to be in a serious relationship. he’s in the midst of a career change and doesn’t believe in long-distance relationships. i was disappointed, but was grateful for his honesty.
since then we’ve exchanged texts, emails and countless phone calls. the majority of the time, the phone calls are initiated by him. there have been times when he calls me several times a day, for days.
i’m not going to deny that i enjoy his attention, but i’m confused by his actions. for one thing, he’s mentioned that he wouldn’t mind having a “casual relationship” with me. how does one have a “casual relationship” from opposite coasts? i don’t see anything casual about it. he has also mentioned that when i make my trip to british columbia in february, that i should consider visiting him. i have said “no” to him on all occasions. he’s also mentioned that he may visit in march (to see our mutual friend through whom we met) and i told him it’s great that he wants to spend time with a close friend of his. he said “it would be great to see you as well…and maybe you could take some time off from work to spend with me?”
in any case, i mentioned to him that regardless of everything, that i hope we can be friends. he said, however, that he doesn’t believe men and women can be friends. i told him this isn’t the case at all – that i’ve had male friends, friendships which have been strictly plutonic. i told him that based on his logic, then, he and i shouldn’t be friends. he said time will tell. well, fair enough.
he did mention that to him, what we’re currently doing is “dating”. i don’t see how this is possible when we’re not geographically in the same location and all we’re doing is talking on the phone several times a day.
so here’s the question – i know that logically, as much as i’d like something more with him that’s committed, in my heart of hearts, it isn’t going to happen. so, then, why is he acting as if we are more than just casual? is he confused? or am i just reading this the wrong way? is there any potential for this to turn into something more, or am i right in just keeping this on a friendship level?
sorry for the long-winded post and hoping that you can give me some insight….
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*platonic
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