Here is a guest post from Casey Nicholson a close friend and excellent writer!
I honestly think that the fascination we have about parallel worlds of the “what ifs” harkens back the primitive mind being aware of its own demise-death. We’re aware that ultimately life ends. Charles Darwin fomented this notion as “the eternity sensation” from which we human animals needed to invent religions, gods and heaven. For most women in their late twenties this notion is their “biological clock.” It reminds me of a line from a Rod Stewart song Young Turks, “time is like a thief when you’re undecided…” Well, at age 33 I made a decision. I got engaged to be married and soon found myself at increasing odds with my own Darwinian philosophy that “marriage equals death.” Hell, the word, DEATH is mentioned right in the vows. ” This will be the last woman you’ll have sex with before you die” I thought to myself. Being a single, successful guy up until this point in my life meant that death lurked somewhere behind the pile of toaster ovens and blenders wrapped in shiny silver paper. So, why did I go through with it let alone get engaged? It’s a question I ponder almost everyday. I married a beautiful, intelligent and honest woman and I feel exceedingly fortunate to have her. But, then there’s that nagging tug on the line like being pulled back by the force of an inner tide. I delve into the “what ifs” most often from a dead sleep. “What if I was still single? What would I be doing right now? Would there be a lovely creature sleeping softly at my side? Would I be sowing my wild oats? …..HELL YES! Many biologists (mostly male scientists I assume) have asserted that the male member of all living species (including homo sapiens) is driven by one main impulse-spread your seed. This barbaric instinct lies just below the surface of probably every air-breathing man on the planet. Yet, so many of them marry and confine themselves to one woman (person). With one out of every two marriages ending in divorce, there seems to be ample evidence that something is inherently wrong about marriage. For men, it is very costly-financially. Mike, your friend, Tom, posted an article calling for marriage to be treated like a business: this is as true as rain. First off, you need a license. There have to be at least two witnesses who sign the license like an affidavit. I won’t even go into pre-nuptual agreements. From the moment you say “I do” the law enters your private world of love and intimacy. If by now you don’t think a marriage is a business then try to get out of one.
And, yet here I am: married for almost three years now. I’ve learned that an occasional sojourn into a parallel world is acceptable. I miss the thrill of the hunt and somehow letting my mind wander into the “what ifs” quenches that thirst. I”m not talking about sexual fantasies or lusting after someone at the office. If that’s you, I have the phone number for a good lawyer. I’m talking about imagining where else my life could be-you know, the big picture. My wife does this too (yes, it takes a little courage and a lot of honesty to talk about these things with your spouse). We have a ritual of holding our own version of marriage counseling in our jacuzzi almost every night. Sometimes we argue, sometimes we vent about other people and other times we almost call it quits.
I think about my life without having met and married my wife. I would not be living where I am today: a big, never-lived-in before house. My career took a turn for the best, promotions great schedule and more pay etc. This and so much more came at enormous price-freedom. I think this word is at the very heart of the male spirit.
Here’s an old fishermen’s proverb: the best two days of owning a boat is the day you buy it and the day you sell it.
I wonder if marriage is the same. I do know this though, life happens somewhere in between.
So, Mike, what say you?
I say, that is why I am still single…
-Mike
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Great article and thanks for mentioning me in it.
I too, have been wondering recently about marriage. I’ve read a bit about history and there really isn’t any clear indication, except as a form of increasing wealth.
And yes divorce does prove a point, hence why common law partners are so common.
Or its just people wanting to get out of their comfort zone and experiment, imagine an all you can eat restaurant.
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Sounds good! I might try it on my new friend Dotty (see http://russellcavanagh.com/2/?p=197)
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great post.
That freedom, in essence means that you can no longer just live for you. The fact that you can no longer live selfishly is scary…its a high risk. Can it be done? Is it possible that there are other forces that enable us to survive selflessly in a marriage (at least some of the time) that us singles may not completely grasp. I think many have not been able to tap into that force. But it sounds like to me that your buddy Casey has some concept of using that force to work through the “in between”.
I am interested in hearing more about the “so much more” that Casey noted as an exchange for freedom
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