I got this question from a reader the other day and I liked it a lot so I wanted to share it with you. Simple question but difficult answer!
From Casey:
How soon is it too soon for a woman to sleep with a guy? Any chance she’ll get a relationship while holding out? Or is it like the new beer that came out on the market, every man has gotta try one bottle before they buy a case, if they walk into one bar and they don’t have it, he’ll go find one that does? Help me out a bit here. lol.
So why would you wait? Why not just do him the first night?
I once was at a college party at UC Davis and over a red plastic cup of beer I met an average blonde girl. She was kinda cute, a couple pounds heavy, not really my type. Funny girl though… and assertive, I enjoyed talking to her. I went off to the bathroom and a guy I didn’t know pulled me aside. “Dude, that girl you were talking to, beeee careful” He laughed and turned back to his buddies. Whatever… How could she possibly be worse than me!? Next thing I know we are at her house and she is making all the moves. COOL! I thought. She had her way with me and I soon fell asleep. Six am rolls around and she kicks me out of bed, literally. “Hey, you gotta go.” She says in a closed eye slightly irritated tone, “okay” I say stuttering the O in surprise. I peek back into the room, “I left my number on your kitchen table,” she grunts “K…” splayed face down on the bed, showing one butt cheek like a waxing moon. I closed the door respectfully and went home.
Why?!!
Of course she never called. Initially I was so stoked, “Holy Shit! I just got used!” but through the elation a sludge like sadness oozed into place. Would she call me? Would she want to see me again? I had to slap myself after saying this because I realized that there was a huge role reversal going on. “Crap, so that’s what it feels like” I said, suddenly feeling all tender inside.
This was a bit of an unusual situation. The girl took on the masculine role and I was pushed into the feminine. But it illustrates a point. Men and women want the same things but to different degrees. Most men are drawn to women for more sexual desires. Most women are drawn to men for relationship desires. Men of course have relationship desires but sex is often the dominant need. Think of it like this, a woman wants a man to stay in her home first and eat her food second, the man is more interested in eating the food than staying in her home (forgive the sexist analogy). The man may eat the woman’s food and realize that he does not like her home very much. So he runs out to go try some other girl’s buffet. Unfortunately due to sexual hijacking both the man and the woman lie to each other to get their desired outcome. This contradiction of desires leads to a lot of pain and confusion.
Now I want you to understand something, men are not lying bastards, most men really honestly believe what they say and very often it all works out. Unfortunately, sometimes men run away after sex and you are left feeling suckered. So, is the answer to withhold sex until you truly believe him?? I don’t think so. First of all, why would you deprive yourself? Sex is great! Second, do you think that if you don’t feed him he cannot find food elsewhere?
If you are in a casino you want to play the slots. You know that you will sometimes win and sometimes lose. So to protect yourself, should you hang out with the slot machine until you feel it has reassured you long enough that you can trust it? Should you only put the dollar in halfway and then pull it out again? (Come on! The machine has needs too!) NO!!! If you are going to enter the casino, sit down and frickin play! Have fun, don’t have indecision, and DON’T have expectations! Yes, you will lose sometimes and it sucks but you eventually will play a machine that pays the jackpot you desire!
Bullets and extras:
· Don’t play dollar slots if you can’t afford it. Guys that are not your equal won’t be calling you the next day
· Having expectations after sex equals neediness and is answered by him running
· Yes you will lose sometimes but learn! And avoid that type of slot machine in the future
· Treating a guy like a guy forces him into a feminine role, Cool…
· Withholding sex as a means to get him into a relationship will only strengthen his desire to eat and run
· If you are young, please ignore this post and don’t show it to your mom (Okay Dallas?)
For more about sexual hijacking read also read…
We had sex, why do I feel like hating her?
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Ha ha. Love it. Cheesy Tortilla Girl? Too Funny. Keep in touch. And keep up the good work!!!
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i LOVED how in the bullets you said to go after your equal! thats so true! great post. just waiting on how to make a guy want you.
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This is something I have begun wondering about ever since I came across pickup artists about 2 years ago. It is quite interesting their perspective on romance. I mean if you ask me pick up artist is just another name. because if used right, they become or can become true manly man, full of confidence, as all man should be.
But they are not hence the 90/10 rule.
I wrote on another blog today about why people dont talk about money and sex. For sex i commented like this. People don’t know much about it and i also said that I see to many girls on dating sites saying, if you want a booty call/sex then look elsewhere.
1. I will actually, lol
2. Please in the end you are in it for the sex as well. If I pressed the right buttons you would be dropping your clothes and spreading your legs in an instant. So don’t give me this I am not that type of girl bullshit.
BTW, Michael your blog is dam awesome the best dating blog I have seen and really enjoy.
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So, I should feel free to have sex with a lot of guys, until the right one comes along…who then hears that I have slept with a lot of guys, and is no longer interested.
It’s confusing- I like sex just fine, but men who want a relationship seem put off by women who have ben with a lot of guys. I can’t see one wanting a girl who slept around a lot, playing slot machines like you said, trying to find a relationship.
What’s the math on this? I mean, I’ve met at least ten guys this past six months that would have been fun to sleep with, but none of them were interested in relationships or weren’t relationship material for me- should I have slept with every one of them? What would a guy that I could actually have a relationship with feel about that if I met him after a run like that?
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Hey thank you for the comment!
Good question. I struggled with this when I posted it.
I by no means want you to go nuts and sleep with everyone. This advice only works if you have your self respect intact. If you can feel that a guy only wants sex, DONT GIVE IT!
The word Slut and Low self respect are one in the same. You must recognize that giving away sex without receiving a guy’s respect is not okay.
When I use the analogy of the slot machine it only means that if the conditions are right don’t worry too much. You may or may not get along and the relationship may not work but don’t gamble for gamblings sake. Not healthy…
Your questions are good you can email me directly and maybe we can make a post together.
So how can I tell, then, if a guy only wants sex?
Some guys are very convincing, and if I just relax and go with it, then it seems like it’d be just like that, sleeping with a bunch of guys who were able to put on a good front for a few dates or whatever.
(In my own experience, I’ve both slept with a guy on the first date, AND waited weeks. So, it’s not a prudish question, I’m genuinely curious!)
How can I tell the difference between the two situations- I’ve had guys who were not at all interested in anything but sex open doors, introduce me to their friends, etc…and treat me with respect, as a person, even though they just wanted to have sex and not get involved.
How can guys try to sleep with a lot of people, but when a woman does, there’s a problem? A lot of this confuses me.
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Also, thanks, and I will email you with some more questions. I have a few about my current relationship that I’d love to get answered.
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